In the world of dudes, porn serves a variety of purposes. Sometimes you just need to help yourself through a dry spell. Other times, porn can be a vessel for vicariously living out one's sexual fantasies - I mean come on, who hasn't thought of what it would be like if they took a different direction with Toy Story...
The name Woody takes on a whole new meaning. "To infinity and beyond my assless chaps", "There's a snake in more than just my boots" I could go on. (Side note: I'm truly sorry for permanently ruining the Toy Story trilogy for you all)
Now, like most guys, I consider myself a bit of a porn connoisseur. I can probably name more genres of skin flicks than I could elements on the periodic table. However, it's recently been brought to my attention that for over two decades of wielding a penis I have been completely oblivious to one of the highest-utility categories of porn ever created - "word porn".
To provide a brief description, word porn is any verbal commentary that makes a girl swoon and/or butter her loins. For examples of word porn, watch "The Notebook". Seriously, anything Ryan Gosling says is disgustingly effective.
Most of you are probably thinking, "You are sorely mistaken, sir. I cannot answer the bone-phone with this nonsense." And if your hypothesis is that porn has to be something you can do the five knuckle shuffle to then yeah maybe you're right. But I posit that porn is more of a means to an end whether it's solo or in masses and I find it hard to believe any of you would prefer to dance by yourself. It takes two to tango - coincidentally that's also how many it takes to have sex.
If any of you were as unaware of this as I was, don't feel too badly - I don't think we guys are supposed to have heard of it. The only reason I was exposed to the cult secret of women that is word porn is because for all intents and purposes I am a woman trapped in a man's body. No, not a transvestite or a transexual, but a guy with the emotional functionality of a little girl (see Unreasonably Sad Movies for tips on how to be a complete and utter wiener).
I highly suggest honing these skills, gentlemen. Watch chick flicks. Listen to Taylor Swift. Hell, read "Eat, Pray, Love" if you have to. You can use this like currency with girls...squishy, blush-inducing currency.
To provide a brief description, word porn is any verbal commentary that makes a girl swoon and/or butter her loins. For examples of word porn, watch "The Notebook". Seriously, anything Ryan Gosling says is disgustingly effective.
Most of you are probably thinking, "You are sorely mistaken, sir. I cannot answer the bone-phone with this nonsense." And if your hypothesis is that porn has to be something you can do the five knuckle shuffle to then yeah maybe you're right. But I posit that porn is more of a means to an end whether it's solo or in masses and I find it hard to believe any of you would prefer to dance by yourself. It takes two to tango - coincidentally that's also how many it takes to have sex.
If any of you were as unaware of this as I was, don't feel too badly - I don't think we guys are supposed to have heard of it. The only reason I was exposed to the cult secret of women that is word porn is because for all intents and purposes I am a woman trapped in a man's body. No, not a transvestite or a transexual, but a guy with the emotional functionality of a little girl (see Unreasonably Sad Movies for tips on how to be a complete and utter wiener).
I highly suggest honing these skills, gentlemen. Watch chick flicks. Listen to Taylor Swift. Hell, read "Eat, Pray, Love" if you have to. You can use this like currency with girls...squishy, blush-inducing currency.
Emotional Tampon...
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