Balls

This afternoon an ovary-laden friend of mine asked me, “Why are boys ALWAYS scratching their balls?” Now normally this question-complaint hybrid is brushed aside with “just because” or “you wouldn’t understand - you don’t have testicles” but today I decided to brave the storm and field this inquiry. So ladies - listen up.

Obviously, to guys, there are countless feasible reasons for ball-scratching. In fact the “just because” answer isn’t that unreasonable in our minds. However, to be fair I’ve decided to break it down into three fundamental categories of why we grape-grapple.

1) Pubes - let’s get the gross(est) one out of the way. If a guy hasn’t manscaped in a while and all of a sudden decides to cut his field for the PGA tour he’s going to have something worth scratching. Girls - imagine shaving that unsightly mustache you’ve been rocking for the better part of this week. When you decide it’s time to shave for a weekend at the bars you might find yourself in a similar situation.

2) Stage Five Clingers - Humidity + Balls = Balls stuck on the inside of your leg. Pretend you’re 9 years old and at the dentist. You’ve just chomped on that Styrofoam fluoride nonsense for 5 minutes and it’s time to pick a toy. Stickers? Shit no - those are a one-and-done deal. Tooth related figurines? Don’t waste my time. There’s seemingly nothing worthwhile in this basket of crap…but just before you give up and decide nothing could make up for the fact that you can’t eat the chocolate in your mom’s car for an eternity (aka 30 minutes) you find the toy of all toys. One of those rubbery sticky jelly hands that you can slap around and stick to any and every surface. The kind of toy that can and will drive anyone over the age of 15 insane. Oh hell yes. Ridiculous anecdote aside. When your balls stick to your leg its as if you had 5 of those little sticky hands stuffed in your pants. Tell me you wouldn’t “adjust your situation” I dare you.

3) Just because - sorry, but I’ve decided this is fully acceptable. Most people like using their hands to play with things. Bending paperclips in and out of shape, doing that pencil-twirling trick that I CANNOT FIGURE OUT, scratching your balls. It’s not a conscious effort. We aren’t trying to be disgusting. It’s just something to do with your hands.

In summation:

Balls - stop asking why we scratch them and just accept the fact that we do - it will make your life a lot less complicated.

blerph