The other day I failed miserably at an attempt to explain the 1-10 girl rating system that guys use. I realized today the reason my definition was so lacking was because it was entirely half-hearted. Lately, rating girls has been about as much fun as watching bread rise. I always find it degenerates into 10, 7, or “fuck no” *dry heave* - and where’s the fun in that (minus the dry-heave - that’s hysterical - but more on that at another time).
So instead of rating girls - I’ve decided to appraise something completely irrelevant and typically mundane: days of the week (in descending order).
1) Saturday - Saturday is a 10/10 - it’s a complete day off, you can rage before and during it, and it has a perfect ass. If you don’t like Saturday, fuck you.
2) Friday - Friday is like Saturday’s less attractive (but still cute) sibling who is desperate to please you. ”Sorry I made you go to school/work today…but to make up for it I’ll get blackout with you tonight”. No matter how bad your 9-5 is on a Friday it’s always going to give you that complimentary handy under the table to try to win you over.
Things got a little more challenging as I came to the middle rankings:
3/4) Wednesday/Thursday - The ordering of these two depends on your lifestyle. If you have a carefree job or are still in college, Thursday is clearly the superior choice. If you work in Satan’s banana hammock like I do, Wednesday edges out ahead every time. So obviously if you’re in the former category, Thursday is just Friday without makeup on. Same promise of a good time but with a much worse walk of shame the following morning. Instead of walking home where you can shower off the glitter and self-loathing you have to walk to class or the office instead. So why do I put Wednesday ahead? Boring/simple response: hump-day. Getting through half of the week feels like a combination of inventing sex, winning World War II by myself, and waking up to discover I’m the comical black dude from the Old Spice commercials. Every. Single. Week. But I still have to go to work for another 2 days so Wednesday is #3.
5) Monday - Ok, yeah “having a case of the Mondays” is totally legit, but Monday is like that subpar guy/girl you accidentally dated in high school. Monday is the one you broke up with using the line “it’s not you…it’s me”. Sure, nobody really liked them while you were dating, and yes, any time you think of them you kind of want to put a hot iron on your face, but did they ever promise to be something they weren’t? No. With Monday you always know what to expect. Yes you’re going to have that “2:30 feeling” all day BUT YOU’RE READY FOR IT. Reliability and candor count for something in this world - kudos to you, Monday.
6) Tuesday - It’s Monday without that “I just drank my weight in alcohol and slept for 50% of the past 48 hours” feeling. Tuesday is a pregnant Monday…or a Monday with herpes - take your pick. Either way nobody likes Tuesday very much.
7) Sunday - ”Oh my god why is Sunday dead last?” “Sunday is God’s day of rest!!” “I use too many exclamation points to argue my case!!!!!!” Hear me out - my beef with Sunday is that it’s the bastard child of deception and a kidney stone. When Sunday’s first coming at you from across the block you think “Damn! Who’s this bombshell walking my way”. As you get closer Sunday’s trimmed body moves from a 10 to a 7 - that’s ok. 7’s are still something to be proud of! And that’s when you notice the snaggletooth/crustache combo. What the fuck, Sunday? You tricked me! I thought you were going to be like a reverse Friday! No. You know what Sunday is? Sunday is hangovers, chores, and spending the entire day dreading going back to school/work. Sunday is an asshole.
blrf
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